Codependency

What is codependency?

Codependency was originally defined as behaviors exhibited by a person or persons in dealing with another’s addiction. The use of the term now incorporates other intra-relationship dynamics. Codependent behavior, in any context, seeks to control the behavior, thoughts, or feelings of another; these efforts at control are destructive to both the person seeking to control and the person being controlled. Ironically, the behavior seeking to control the active addict generally assists the addict to continue using eliminating negative consequences.

There is nothing to be gained in trying to control another person’s behavior or feelings. The codependent person’s obsession with the addict progresses in direct relationship to the using and obsession of the addict. Sadly, both the codependent (the person seeking to control) and the active addict suffer physical and emotional deterioration. It should be noted that left untreated, children in such family units are considered “at risk” for future addictions, codependent behavior and mental health disorders.

Unknowingly, the codependent’s behaviors help sustain the dysfunctional family dynamic. Without therapeutic intervention for the addict, the codependent, and the family unit, the disease is likely to continue and progress. The addiction must be acknowledged and arrested, and the codependent’s behaviors must be altered.

Treatment for everyone in the family is a priority if abstinence and personal growth are to become a family reality. Regardless of whether the addict experiences relapses (periods of time when the addict or alcoholic begins to use drugs or alcohol again), or is able to maintain sobriety, the family can, with treatment, maintain a healthy dynamic.

Once the family learns and adopts the necessary skills to deal with drug and alcohol and other dysfunctional behaviors, health can return. A healthy family unit can profoundly influence the length and/ or severity of the addict’s relapse or of personal regression. The skills learned in treatment allow everyone to take responsibility for his or her actions, and suffer the negative consequences or positive results of those actions.

Traits of Codependent Personalities

Fear of losing control
Making unreasonable personal sacrifices
Focused solely on another’s feelings
Being manipulative
Clinging
Panic
Submissive
Low self-esteem
Defining self through a relationship
Depression
Guilt
Shame
Self-loathing
Needing others approval
Assuming responsibility for others
Perfectionism
Chronic anger
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Difficulty making decisions
Fear of abandonment
Difficulty identifying feelings
(source: Addiction Treatment Magazine: http://addictiontreatmentmagazine.com/addiction-treatment/family-therapy/is-codependency-a-personality-disorder and Mental Health America, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency)

Questions to Ask Yourself about Codependency

Are you codependent?
If you were to ask yourself these questions about your family, what would be the truthful answers?

Do you feel responsible for how other people feel or behave?
Do you need other’s approval to feel good about yourself?
Does someone else’s behavior determine how you feel about yourself?
Do you feel obligated to help others?
Do you have trouble expressing your needs?
Do you lose sleep worrying about others?
Do you put other people’s needs before your own?
Are your feelings about yourself determined by how others feel on any given day?
Do you have trouble saying no to people?
Do you believe that only you can do an activity the “right” way?
Are you shamed when someone in your family does something inappropriate?
Are you depressed, lethargic, or sick because of someone else’s problems?
Do you feel that you must be in control to keep everything going smoothly?
Do you have an eating disorder?
Do you deny your feelings?
Do you feel rejected or angry when someone does not want your help?
Is your mental attention focused on getting someone to approve of you?
Is your mental attention focused on protecting someone else to the detriment of your own health?
Is your self-esteem bolstered by solving someone’s problems or relieving someone’s pain?

If you answered yes to two or more questions, you might want to speak with a mental health professional.

Family Therapies and Codependency

“There are at least three different reasons to involve families in treatment: 1. to help the user change his or her substance use, 2. to change family members’ own behavior and patterns of coping, and 3. to modify dysfunctional patterns of interaction”.

In the 1st element, family members help the user alter his or her behavioral patterns and experience negative consequences. Within the context of the 2nd element, family members learn about boundaries such as decreasing controlling behaviors and detaching from alcohol/drug related interactions. Finally, the 3rd aspect of family treatment involves altering the family interactions, including communication skills, problem-solving, family rules and more.
(source: Barbara S. Mc Crady et al, “Theoretical Bases of Family Approaches to Substance Abuse Treatment”, in Treating Substance Abuse 2nd ed., 2003, pp.130-131).

Recovery is an adjustment for everyone in the family, not only the addict. New roles and attitudes will need to be developed and maintained to promote healthy boundaries. Support for the transition and new family dynamic will most likely be needed. That can occur in the form of couples therapy, continued family therapy, attendance at 12 Step meeting such as Al-Anon and Alateen (for teens) and participation in a spiritual or religious community.

Remember, when one member of a family unit changes his or her behavior, the other members must compensate. In sobriety, this compensation by other family members typically leads to health and personal growth.